I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
