i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She bit a glass in half.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
