captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
