Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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