Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
