How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
