I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
