when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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