My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
