Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
