just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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