Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
