she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
