and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
