I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
