32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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