my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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