Yo dont text me then not text me
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Randomize
