how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
