I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
