He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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