We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
