just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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