Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
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