You smell like a Billy Joel song
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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