So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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