Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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