I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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