Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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