dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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