when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
did i walk over a car last night?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
