I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
