Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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