Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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