So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
