hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
