Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
