saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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