You're my little dorito
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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