Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
