Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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