I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
