Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
