so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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