I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
