i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
