I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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