I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
