craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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