I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
