Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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